October 19, 2024

I have spent over thirty years in educational leadership roles. I enjoyed so many aspects of all of my jobs. I loved the hard work, strategic planning, supporting teachers and staff, communicating with parents and garnering their support, developing collegial relationships, and so much more. And the longer that I worked in leadership positions, the more I enjoyed the mentoring aspect of my job. Supporting leaders in difficult situations, being a confidential listener for leaders who needed to get stuff off of their chest, celebrating successes, and most of all, just knowing what made leaders tick – all of that became more and more important to me over the years. In the last half of my 39-year career, it was mentoring others that did the best job of filling my bucket.

As I look back on my career, I had many mentors. I also did a great job of hiring people who were more intelligent and more talented than I, and they often advised and mentored me in my job, even though I may have technically been their supervisor. Many of those amazing colleagues are now readers of this blog, and I can feel them nodding their heads, saying something like, “Damn right I was smarter and more talented. He was lucky to have me!” 

Yes I was, and thank you.

In my mentoring roles, I do my best to prepare the leader for a challenging situation. But in crunch time, leaders need to lead. I remember a very heated situation where I offered to stand alongside a talented leader as he faced a very difficult meeting with a large group of parents. In very strong terms, he refused the offer, saying this was his battle. I told him I would be two minutes away during the entire meeting, ready to assist if he texted. He told me he would not need that. I waited nearby during the meeting, and of course, he did not contact me. He did an outstanding job at that meeting, and that person is still leading at very high levels today.

That type of situation, where I support, but allow others to be the point person, sometimes made me feel like Marlin Perkins, the famous star of the 1961 – 1986 show, Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom. 

I remember manually turning the dial to channel 4 (NBC) on Sunday evenings to watch Wild Kingdom with my family. Marlin Perkins was an accomplished zoologist, and he and his younger assistant, Jim Fowler, also a highly talented zoologist, showed me a world far different than my own. I loved it.

Johnny Carson loved to rib Perkins for putting Fowler in the path of danger while Perkins watched from a distance. Carson would mimic Perkins’ voiceover, saying,, “While Jim gives the mountain lion an enema, I’ll stay at the camp and mix daiquiris,” Or perhaps, as others have put forth, “Wolverines are some of the most vicious animals known to man, which is why Jim’s the one down there with only a net,” or even, “While Jim is wrestling that pissed off Cape Buffalo, I’ll be in the helicopter scouting crocodiles for him to tackle next.” I love it.

Even though I sometimes thought of Marlin Perkins, I knew it was the only way. Mentors cannot do leaders’ jobs for them. Leaders need to lead.

One way to look at effective mentoring is to compare it to a golf caddie. A caddie, who is often a very high level golfer, knows the golfer extremely well and walks side by side with her or his golfer. When it comes time to make decisions and execute the best shot possible, the caddie knows whether to be quiet, offer limited advice, or go into a full-fledged debate about what the best course of action is. The caddie may have experience that the golfer does not have, or the caddie may know that the golfer already has all of the information she or he needs to hit the perfect shot. While it is the golfer who faces the most intense pressure, and it is the golfer who either delivers an outstanding shot or makes a mistake, the caddie is by their side offering coaching, support, or consolation for every move the golfer makes.

Here is what I constantly advised educational leaders: There will be times when you have to make quick decisions. But there are other times leaders face significant challenges, when they have the time to reflect, to weigh options, and to look at the long run. In those situations, leaders have the ability to play chess. Why would a leader do that alone? Why would he or she not consult a caddie, seeking out a mentor, a legal expert, other leaders who have faced similar situations, a communications expert, or anyone else who can assist them? Having a caddie-like mentor, someone who knows the leader and their context and uses that knowledge to walk by their side, gives leaders confidence as they face a challenge. When I had options and when I had time, that’s exactly what I did. 

When I was reflecting on a situation that was so complicated that it required legal assistance, I sometimes asked the attorney what I could have done differently to avoid or lessen the crisis that I had faced. Too often, their answer was, “You could have called me first.”

We usually have more time than we think. 

Unless something is literally on fire, we can give ourselves permission to slow down our minds, take time to ponder options, phone a friend, or consult that coach, team member, or caddie who helps us to think. Leaders cannot avoid facing difficult situations, but they can feel less alone as they face them.

As a principal facing a challenging situation, I sometimes, at least initially, felt like Jim Fowler. I was on my own, and my mentor/boss/caddie was out of sight, just like Marlin Perkins. But in reality, I did not feel alone. In almost all cases, I felt like I was going into battle fully supported by my mentors . . . by my caddies. It was up to me to do my best, based on my experience and all the advice I had internalized, and in doing so, I did not feel alone.

So thank you to all types of mentors and experts who supported me and gave me strength as a leader. And to those I have helped and continue to assist, it is my honor to do that. And to all of us, as we wait until the next challenging situation we face, let’s try not to feel alone as we face it. And to all of you leaders out there facing difficult situations now and in the future – go out there and wrestle with that alligator!

Post #119 on www.drmdmatthews.com

If you’re not on the mailing list, you’re missing out. Not only will I let you know when my blog posts come out, but you will get my once-a-month-subscribers-only message.  I share what I’m cooking, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, and other news that had a profound impact on me. Thanks to all who let me know you appreciated it. If you’re interested, please click here.

And something new, I am publishing this post in podcast form a few days after I post it here. The podcasts are based on the post, as I reflect on what led to the writing, or reflections afterwards, or debates I was having with myself as I wrote, or, well, I never quite know until I do it. If you would like to subscribe to that podcast, please click here.

——-

NOTES

Jim Fowler appeared on my favorite Seinfeld episode ever. It’s the one where Kramer finds the old Merv Griffin set in a New York dumpster and sets it up inside his apartment. Jim Fowler plays himself, and he crushes it. (Episode 6 in Season 9, #162 – available on Netflix)

Here’s a scene of Marlin Perkins wrestling an anaconda. I don’t know why he felt he had to get in the water and mess with that beast. I have read that some of these supposedly wild animals may have actually been quite tame. But it’s still great TV, especially for a 10-year old. 

Here is an interview of Jim Fowler, saying that Perkins was far more involved than he was portrayed. It’s worth the 2-minute watch.

Sometimes, a principal would apologize for taking my time in bringing a problem to me for discussion. I forget where I heard this, but my response was something like, “You are an outstanding leader, and you can solve 99% of the problems you face without a problem. For you to come to me, it must be a big one. Let’s figure it out together.”

And I thought I would share some quotes on not needing to feel alone, especially in difficult situations.

• Those are the same stars, and that is the same moon, that look down upon your brothers and sisters, and which they see as they look up to them, though they are ever so far away from us, and each other” — Sojourner Truth

• I am a part of all that I have met. — Lord Tennyson

• Remember you are never really alone. Although it may feel like it for very long stretches of time. — Steven L. Peck

• Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light. (Helen Keller)

• Dark and difficult times lie ahead. But remember this, you have friends here. You’re not alone. (Albus Dumbledore)

• Compassionate Friends is a support group that helped me tremendously after the death of my 4-year-old son, Sean.  Here is their credo:
  • We need not walk alone. We are The Compassionate Friends. We reach out to each other with love, with understanding, and with hope. The children we mourn have died at all ages and from many different causes, but our love for them unites us. Your pain becomes my pain, just as your hope becomes my hope. We come together from all walks of life, from many different circumstances. We are a unique family because we represent many races, creeds, and relationships. We are young, and we are old. Some of us are far along in our grief, but others still feel a grief so fresh and so intensely painful that they feel helpless and see no hope. Some of us have found our faith to be a source of strength, while some of us are struggling to find answers. Some of us are angry, filled with guilt or in deep depression, while others radiate an inner peace. But whatever pain we bring to this gathering of The Compassionate Friends, it is pain we will share, just as we share with each other our love for the children who have died. We are all seeking and struggling to build a future for ourselves, but we are committed to building a future together. We reach out to each other in love to share the pain as well as the joy, share the anger as well as the peace, share the faith as well as the doubts, and help each other to grieve as well as to grow. We Need Not Walk Alone. We Are The Compassionate Friends.

Photo of Perkins and Fowler by Missouri Life magazine.

Photo of golfer facing a mountain of a challenge with a supporting caddie by ChatGPT.